In his years as a pastor, Dan has had plenty of opportunities to observe family systems at work. He knew a young girl who was extremely afraid of the foyer in his church. She would shiver with fear and start crying whenever she got close to it. Her parents signed her up with a counselor, but after many sessions they were no closer to understanding the problem. Finally, the counselor brought the parents in and asked them to share some of their experiences with her. After a while, by fluke, the therapist discovered that, as a child, the father had had a traumatic experience in a church foyer. The therapist asked the father if he had ever told this story to his daughter. He hadn’t. But once he did, the girl's fear went away. Here’s the moral: untold stories affect families in ways that can somehow be passed down to future generations.
Dan also talked about homeostasis –- that families are in balance, and members will fight to maintain that balance. If, for example, a normally loud and overbearing member of a family changes and becomes more passive, the system is out of balance making it very possible that another member will try to goad that person into being dominant again.
This sounds kind of weird, but Dan said he’s seen it many times. Throughout his presentation he suggested greater openness as key to rectifying issues. Talking things out and asking for stories (i.e. what was life like when you were twelve?) needs to happen for families to work well together.
Dan’s presentation provided good food for thought. I’m looking forward to what else he has to say this week.
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